Thursday, September 8, 2011

Frank McCourt: your name is now Parasitic Asshole

I'm only happy when I'm bellowing my contempt for Frank McCourt, and I spend more time on my Facebook page than anywhere else doing just that. So a week has gone by since Red China offered $1.2 billion to take the Dodgers off McCourt's hand, and since then McCourt has pretty much stayed out of the news. Well, whatever goes through a smoker's mind and body after a week of cold turkey is happening to me. I'm getting itchy. I need McCourt to perform one of his typically underhanded, self-serving and loathsome acts, so I can tell the world what a parasitic asshole he is.

'Parasitic asshole.' Now that has a nice ring to it. Come to think of it, why can't 'parasitic asshole' be a metonym for Frank McCourt much the same way that, let's say, 'Hollywood' is for the American film industry. You wouldn't say: "I'd rather watch baseball than that crap coming out of the American film industry." That's awkward, so instead you would say: "I'd rather watch baseball than that crap coming out of Hollywood." I envision a day when the following conversation actually takes place:

What's the name of that parking lot guy from Boston?
You mean parasitic asshole?
You know who I'm talking about. The guy who bought the Dodgers.
Yeah. Parasitic asshole.
No. It's Irish sounding. Mc-something...
Parasitic asshole.
Get over it, man. Who pissed in your cheerios?
Parasitic asshole did when he ran the Dodgers into the ground.

But the change has to extend to the mainstream media in order for Parasitic Asshole to have universal acceptance. For instance, the LA Times and other media outlets should be reporting stories in this vein:

Parasitic Asshole was offered $1.2 billion to sell the Los Angeles Dodgers. The all-cash bid came from Bill Burke, founder of the L.A. Marathon, plus Chinese investors and others. Burke and a spokesman for Parasitic Asshole have no comment.

It rolls right off the tongue, don't you think? Watch this clip from The Jerk (this is an example of something from Hollywood that isn't crap), and imagine that the dog in the scene is Asshole. You need only watch the first 1:33.